I found some advice online a few days. It told me that I needed to work through each feeling as I am feeling it. Sadness? Loneliness? Anger? Grief? Etc… that I need to sit in the silence and work through those feelings. And I am honestly trying. I had a night where I sent Aly to bed just so I could sit and wail and cry. I didn’t feel better afterwards. I woke up bawling again. Some days I wake up and I still think it must all just be a bad dream.
I had no idea that going through a divorce would be one of the hardest things I have ever done. Losing my babies almost killed me each time, but this? There is so much destruction in a divorce. I didn’t know that the person I had merged my soul with could treat me in the way he is treating me, that he could look into my eyes and lie. Repeatedly. And all the time about things that it makes no sense to lie about. Apparently in his new world this is how things are. He is creating a whole new world; one where everything is different than it was in reality, a place where he tells his daughter that he wants to be part of her life on a weekly basis to let her down each and every day. A world where his new life, with his new woman is more important than getting our life together ended in a decent way.
I don’t want you back. There are no worries of that. I am not asking for a second chance, I’m asked out. That ended a few weeks ago. I offered counseling and more a couple times. You made up your mind. As I look back on our history and find little things from our life together I see that I’ve been trying to save us for a long time in various ways, and you didn’t care enough to even try even a little.
I am brokenly trying to pick up my pieces and my girlie’s pieces.
I didn’t know that the whiff of body wash late at night can cause your heart to start crying, and that those tears eventually fill up and flow out of your eyes.
I didn’t know that you could shift from sadness and grief to anger and loathing and back again in the space of a single breath.
I didn’t know that hearing the pain in your child’s voice would be enough to break my fragile self all over again.
I didn’t know that hearing a song could be heart rending. Not just because it was one of our songs, but because now he is thinking of her when he hears them.
I didn’t know that being made the bad guy in every single situation would be so upsetting and freeing. That in it I am finding how strong I really am, and how many things I am willing to give up for my child’s well being. I am finding out that a person you thought would never let you down, has been falling harder and further than I ever thought possible.
I didn’t know that finally having a car again would set me free to change, and free to see where the day takes us instead of keeping us tied to one place in a waiting pattern on one person.
I didn’t know how much more relaxed I would be about doing new and old things that challenge us and our comfort zone. We’ve already lost our husband and Father to another woman and her children, what’s the worst thing a job, apartment, etc.. could say or do to me?
I didn’t know that the divorce diet was a real thing and that there is really nothing you can do to force food down yourself. No matter what you try. And then there are days you need calories more than you can imagine. It’s another one of those feelings that I am learning to deal with.
I didn’t know that I would feel like I have been to war after every conversation with the person who was my world and would need to use other people’s faith and prayers to get through. I need those crutches from my people. They are helping bridge the gaps where my faith is faltering.
I appreciate those of you in Aly and I’s life who are praying for us and helping to fill in the holes of our hearts and faith. We need you guys. We love you guys. We appreciate you guys!
“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.”