Letting go. And other things I didn’t know.


I found some advice online a few days. It told me that I needed to work through each feeling as I am feeling it. Sadness? Loneliness? Anger? Grief? Etc… that I need to sit in the silence and work through those feelings. And I am honestly trying. I had a night where I sent Aly to bed just so I could sit and wail and cry. I didn’t feel better afterwards. I woke up bawling again. Some days I wake up and I still think it must all just be a bad dream. 

I had no idea that going through a divorce would be one of the hardest things I have ever done. Losing my babies almost killed me each time, but this? There is so much destruction in a divorce. I didn’t know that the person I had merged my soul with could treat me in the way he is treating me, that he could look into my eyes and lie. Repeatedly. And all the time about things that it makes no sense to lie about. Apparently in his new world this is how things are. He is creating a whole new world; one where everything is different than it was in reality, a place where he tells his daughter that he wants to be part of her life on a weekly basis to let her down each and every day. A world where his new life, with his new woman is more important than getting our life together ended in a decent way.

 I don’t want you back. There are no worries of that. I am not asking for a second chance, I’m asked out. That ended a few weeks ago. I offered counseling and more a couple times. You made up your mind. As I look back on our history and find little things from our life together I see that I’ve been trying to save us for a long time in various ways, and you didn’t care enough to even try even a little. 

I am brokenly trying to pick up my pieces and my girlie’s pieces.

I didn’t know that the whiff of body wash late at night can cause your heart to start crying, and that those tears eventually fill up and flow out of your eyes. 

I didn’t know that you could shift from sadness and grief to anger and loathing and back again in the space of a single breath. 

I didn’t know that hearing the pain in your child’s voice would be enough to break my fragile self all over again. 

I didn’t know that hearing a song could be heart rending. Not just because it was one of our songs, but because now he is thinking of her when he hears them. 

I didn’t know that being made the bad guy in every single situation would be so upsetting and freeing. That in it I am finding how strong I really am, and how many things I am willing to give up for my child’s well being. I am finding out that a person you thought would never let you down, has been falling harder and further than I ever thought possible. 

I didn’t know that finally having a car again would set me free to change, and free to see where the day takes us instead of keeping us tied to one place in a waiting pattern on one person.

I didn’t know how much more relaxed I would be about doing new and old things that challenge us and our comfort zone. We’ve already lost our husband and Father to another woman and her children, what’s the worst thing a job, apartment, etc.. could say or do to me? 

I didn’t know that the divorce diet was a real thing and that there is really nothing you can do to force food down yourself. No matter what you try. And then there are days you need calories more than you can imagine. It’s another one of those feelings that I am learning to deal with. 

I didn’t know that I would feel like I have been to war after every conversation with the person who was my world and would need to use other people’s faith and prayers to get through. I need those crutches from my people. They are helping bridge the gaps where my faith is faltering. 

I appreciate those of you in Aly and I’s life who are praying for us and helping to fill in the holes of our hearts and faith. We need you guys. We love you guys. We appreciate you guys! 

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭17:17‬ ‭

Buhahahahaha.

Ya know the moment when you know more information than someone thinks you do? But there is no way you want to give away what ya know? Yeah. That kills me. I always was a sharer, of information. Not my husband, but apparently people didn’t get the memo. ;oP

Just as a side note: I probably won’t be replying to personal comments through the blog anymore. If you are close enough to me to leave me a note instead of just reading: I will email ya back! Not sure what ya think you are going to learn through this? How I am processing my pain? How I currently feel about you and yours? Don’t worry, I have a place to release those feelings, and it isn’t here. 😉 But I’ll be sure to send ya the link once it’s published.

 

Lots of questions… no answers


I was sitting here playing games with my kiddo tonight and one of the questions I have is this: how does a person change so much in such a short time that they don’t even want anything to do with their own child? Because no matter what terms you put it into, that’s what a teenager is hearing by your actions and your words. She wants to know why it’s okay for her life to be turned upside down but not “her” kids’? Why do they get her dad and she will only get support from him but not his time? Her questions have this echo of mine: how were we not worth the fight? Why was he so easily led astray? Why does he treat us with such disgust like he can’t stand to be around us? Why does he get to not be ashamed of his affair and the way is treating us, and we have to avoid stores and people we used to know? And the only thing I have for her is extra hugs and silence. Because I have no answers. I only have more questions. Hopefully he is happy in his new life. I doubt he will be though, because I’m getting the best part of him, our child. He is ruining his chances to be in her life everyday in a thousand ways. 

The good news is: she is an amazing, awesome young woman. We have some leads for our new life. Our new hope has to do with being able to be here for a short while longer with a job then being able to move to a new city where the people won’t judge us when we go into shop and we won’t run into him and his “new family and friends”.

As someone dear to me reminded me: there are days when it’s all you can do to get out of bed. People who haven’t been betrayed like this can’t understand it. There are questions that will swirl and haunt you until you throw up. But God is there for me. There is nothing that I am facing that He hasn’t seen and equipped me for. I am not responsible for B’s affair. I am not responsible for the decisions he has made even though they effect us. He will have to answer for all of this at the end of his life, and my choice is to keep going. To not let this bring me low. As Psalm 30 likes to remind me this week: 

“O LORD, You brought my soul up from the grave; You have kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.
For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭30:3, 5‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Here are a few photos from the last couple of weeks.

How do you move on?

How do you tell your heart to stop leaping when you hear his voice? How do you tell yourself not to act like a giggling twit when you hear his car in the driveway? For almost 17 years my greatest thrills were getting those few minutes with him. How do you tell it stop thinking of everything that he is doing when he isn’t here? How do you start to move on? Because I don’t know. And I’m having issues. Maybe this will get easier when we aren’t in the same house anymore. Probably not though. I think this broken heart is my new reality. 

Ignore everything 

In my last post. Apparently I am a pathetic lost person. My entire world blew up yesterday and now I am questioning my entire life. At least I still have my child. And I know what someone else is missing out on. 

How does one put their heart back together after the person who held it smashed it to a thousand pieces? Is there a way? How do you recover from betrayal? Does anyone have a good break up station on Pandora to listen to?